


Silver

by Karcee



Category: Original Work, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Love, Music Influenced, Poems, Poetry, Song Influenced, Songs, Suicide, life - Freeform, society
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 04:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karcee/pseuds/Karcee
Summary: Silver, for those who are second best; never the best or good enough.





	1. Homes And Houses I

_Hidden in the dust of houses_

_Long__ forgotten_

_There are desperate cries for help_

_They shake the __inner depths of _

_The__ adventurous_

_Who explore these decrepit lost __places_

_Forgetting they were all homes once. _


	2. Homes and Houses II

Couples and Homes 

This place was once my home 

And now I don’t belong 

This soul was once my own 

But then it was shared 

I broke it into too many pieces 

I hope the shards you tread on 

Cut your feet and leave you pain 

You hurt me in this place 

I had once felt safe here 

There isn’t a home anymore 

Cutting my hands and feet from crawling 

Through shattered pieces of windows 

And wall, and glass and memories 

(This was once my home) 

Oh how it screams 

The dust retching its final last notes 

Inside the place where it was 

Once, a family home 

This was once a home for people, 

Before they lost each other’s hearts 

Broken and stolen by each other to be 

Taken to other wretched places. 

Never to be whole again 

In fragments never repaired 

Shattered glass easily mistaken 

For what remains 

Of a once shared heart 

“Oh, what is that on the floor?” 

“Look there’s more glass” 

Never to be whole again 

This is what happens to 

Antagonised souls 

They are desperate 

To play happy homes 

But you can’t reach for a miracle 

With glass on the floor 

The couple’s eventually leave 

And the pieces remain 

But what happens to 

The Adventurers 

Who explore these homes? 

And step 

Treading on and over 

Leftover pieces 

Of once loving couples. 

They left parts 

Of their own hearts behind 

An accident of course 

In the rubble of homes which 

Returned to the state 

Of a house 

AN: I do have other accounts with some of my poems on it bdharu1999/karcee, so please do not think I am stealing. Thank you!


	3. Homes and Houses III

Do Adventurers learn anything from the pieces? 

Deciphered text written from the dust 

The wretched songs echoing final notes 

To the glass on the floor 

Intermingled with pieces of soul 

So much is discarded 

Do they see it? Smell it? Taste it? 

What was visualised? 

What was hypothesised? 

Do they dare to gain from the rubble? 

Is anything ever obtained from ruins?


	4. Grey I

Things are never as they seem 

When it comes to a dream 

Or a soul, a missing piece 

They can be dark 

And oft deplorable 

Be as they may unlit by white 

Their derelict loyalty less so 

For you (only you) 

They shed all armour 

For you all secrets are 

Unravelled and shed


	5. Grey II

Are they really truly 

A darkened shade 

If they can be indubitably 

Devoted to you (only you) 

Not many can provoke loyalty 

Like that, and only a few (so few)

Will treasure a person 

Beyond all innate selfishness 

Life is so simple, in black and white. 

But is it really? 

Truly they love you 

And when you start to believe it. 

(Your eyes have gone grey) 

Things start to change. 

When your world goes grey, 

It leads back to your dreams. 

You may be dying, 

but at least they are good dreams. 

Aren’t they? 

Can you see this, a dream; a good dream, 

They are always white. 

But when you dream good dreams, 

(With dark connotations) 

Your world becomes grey, and your eyes are changed. 

Realisations begin to come and go, 

But, only one sticks

It is reflected back in your eyes 

(Grey now, they are grey) 

Maybe a black and white world never truly existed anyway, 

And that realisation damages your soul.


	6. Scars

When you hear stories about those who died 

Who lived, which survived? My mind goes haywire 

I ignore it, scars on my wrist, arms and thighs 

And I begin to hate the world even more 

Why does it seem that the most creative of minds 

(So admired, loved and never forgotten) 

Always seem to share one commonality with me 

It really shouldn’t be that common 

I really wished it wasn’t 

I’m sorry that my skin tissue matches yours 

Together we make static, or even better 

A statistic 

The numbers of creative minds who’ve wished 

They were dead or more broken 

We all dared to dream a creative dream 

Do you criticise yourself? 

Are you hindered? Your work 

Your Art is it never enough? 

As much as you, I criticise myself 

I can’t sing anymore without comparing it 

When did this become a competition? 

Oh yeah, Always 

How utterly and irrevocably tragic 

Beautiful minds, with magical talents lost 

To competition 

I’m sorry Art makes you sad 

Or well it doesn't 

Just the opposite actually 

It can create the greatest gleam in your eye, 

‘Til someone tears you down, 

Even if it is yourself 

I read your stories I heard the songs 

And I love them 

They let me live a dream where I wasn't 

Where I could, and wasn't alone here 

But then you’re criticised for something 

For romanticising something we have in common 

But it wasn't 

Not really 

But thank you for it anyways.


	7. The Most Beautiful Moment In Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BTS influenced if you can't tell by suuchhhh a covert reference

They are the music we listen too 

They are sometimes the people we see 

On our computer screens 

People will write stories about them 

And draw them and majority of the time 

Have them as desktop or profile pictures 

We look up to them 

We take the music they make 

And bury it deep under our skins 

Because their lyrics, their voices 

Their music led straight into the hearts of us 

And let us know ‘You are not alone’ 

“You are not the only one who feels this way”


	8. Doors

Sometimes you wish 

That these doors 

Were always closed. 

That they would 

Be lost behind 

More doors, trick 

Questions and answers. 

Maybe those doors to 

Your past wouldn't 

Matter anymore 

If everything was hidden 

Behind closed doors.


	9. Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another BTS influenced work...rip I have a problem

Spread your wings, 

Even if they are broken 

You may not fly, 

But the wind beneath your broken wings 

May provide all the difference 

To your grounded freedom 


	10. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else lived through a cyclone before? Hurricane? I was 7/8 when the one I went through occurred... rip to my dad who my mum nearly destroyed for taking her 4 kids outside in the middle of a category 4/5 cyclone cause we were bored...

I’ll take you to the eye of the storm 

I’ll show you the beauty in the dark and rain 

Things are never as they seem 

when it comes to a dream 

Just hold my hand and I’ll lead you to the other side 

Thorns may cut our feet and your hands are cold 

Tomorrow the storm will be gone and with it the moment 

Tonight, hold my hand and I will lead you to it 

This moment we’ll stand feeling the power of the storm 

Tomorrow lies the aftermath of conflict 

Branches torn asunder from their homes, from the trees 

Glass lies victimised on the floor shook from its sill 

Homes may be ruined but I saw the beauty of the storm


	11. The Ant Biting The Hill

Maybe the way people hurt others 

Show how they want to be hurt 

Or how they have been hurt 

We see only the masks, only the illusion 

Not even a third of what makes them whole 

A person can only be pushed so far 

Till more than the third reveals itself 

Parts never intended to be seen 

For the whole world to witness 

Maybe the hurt inflicted upon a person 

Causes something to grow 

A flower 

(Beauty in Adversity) 

Or a weed 

(Tunnelling and grasping onto the hidden places inside 

Devouring small pieces of you that you would 

Never have shown 

Only something so barren and toxic remains) 

The hurt inflicted by someone else’s fist 

It’s recognised 

It provides someone to blame 

But how can you blame society, a mass 

Something too large for you to crumble alone 

A thing that can’t be choked and bitten by one being 

You can’t expect a hill larger than you to feel the bite 

When the onslaught is equivalent to a pinprick 

You are just too small, carrying a load larger than oneself 

Struggling to crush something so badly 

But you are the equivalent of an ant 

Standing on top of the hill 

Which can only be brought down 

By Gods 

Mightier and bigger, in larger 

Number than sense. 

AN: Some of these poems have been written, rewritten, and edited (OR NONE OF THE BEFORE MENTIONED) since the start of 2017 so please keep that in mind, thank you.


	12. Why I Picked Myself Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Eating Disorders, Depression

TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Eating Disorders

Waking up in the morning was hard 

But imagining my sister’s faces after learning I was dead was harder 

Attempting school because disappointing my family 

Was like a stab to the heart 

Every cut and scar were my penance 

Be better, be smarter, be prettier, just be 

More. 

Every time I stuck my fingers down my throat 

It was because I felt I didn't fit inside 

my own skin, my own family, 

A puzzle piece belonging not in this family portrait 

Suicide wasn't even a question of ‘if’ 

It was a certainty 

I would die before graduation 

But then it didn’t happen 

‘Your sister is in the hospital for depression’ 

Am I a disease? A virus infecting other people? 

“[Name] tried to commit suicide over the summer” 

Does everyone I touch become more broken after? 

I needed to be pulled together when I was a shattered mirror 

Everyone around me required support 

So, I dragged myself together 

And made a cracked version of myself 

I was in no way fixed, and other issues became worse 

It was too loud to vomit in the toilet 

So I vomited in the shower instead 

My fingers pushing food through the tiny grate 

desperate for no one to see I wasn’t fine.


	13. I Forgot You

I forgot the shape of the smile on lips 

The taste of your perfume/ cologne in the air. 

The touch of your skin on mine, 

It’s all gone it’s all gone. 

I miss your words in the air, 

If only I could, if only I had 

Recall the words, what you said 

It’s like trying to grab onto smoke 

But everything had gone too far, 

And I couldn’t remember the way I was 

The way that we were, it’s all gone, 

We are all gone 

I can’t grasp these memories 

Yet, late in the whispers of the night 

You call to me, you whisper in my ear 

‘Remember me, remember me’ 

Like lyrics to a song you only heard once 

Everything seems just on the tip of the tongue 

But intangible, unreachable 

I look for you in the shape of other people’s eyes 

In the voices of other men 

Their hands they hold me, words enfold me 

But all I hear in the middle of the night 

Are the whispers of our kisses in the moonlight.


	14. Casual

You speak the word ‘casual’ as if it was poison 

Dripping from your tongue easily 

A dagger dripping to wound 

So that I would try scatter into the wind 

You whisper ‘casual’ words in my ear 

Of going out to clubs with friends late at night 

Taunts and pity, hidden in their eyes 

They’re waiting just waiting for me to fall 

I reach for your touch, your skin, your lips, 

And you give so freely 

But in the night when I was asleep 

You would cry in the bathtub 

Whispering ‘what is wrong with me’ 

We tug and pull at each other’s strings 

You’re trying to rip our threads apart 

And I’m dearly trying to hold on for dear life 

Baby, why do you keep pushing me away? 

Someone in the past may have wrecked you 

And let you believe that you are undeserving of love 

For you and yourself 

But I will be holding on, whispering ‘I love you’ 

Give me a chance to more than that 

Provide me with a reason to stay 

Help me have something to hold onto 

And maybe we will make it through the day.


	15. Stuck Together

I could take the pain of you screaming down at me 

But don't cry for a place where I can’t take you 

Heaven is not where I am going but what you are after 

I am falling down and you are reaching for stars 

You tell me I am dragging you down 

And that is where the sadness starts 

How can I help you when I am the source of your pain 

You can either stay with me angry or leave me sad 

Darling, I love you but don't give me the choice 

Because I am selfish and this is your life 

Darling don't hate me for wanting you to stay 

And baby I won't hate you for letting me go 

We’re stuck in the middle of a tug of war 

I love you, you hate me, I keep it inside, and you… 

You scream darling, wishing for something higher. 

How can I get you there when I don't want to go. 

AN: Not gonna lie...I do not remember writing this...


	16. My Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders, Depression

I will hate myself for things you don’t understand 

Looking in the mirror always to check 

‘Hair is nice, skin is okay, my smile is on 

I will look good today,’ but no matter what 

Satisfaction is never reached 

Tell me how it’s hard, tell me where it wasn't dark enough 

I would fix my eyeliner faster if I knew how it was done. 

Reach within and around me and tell me what you see 

Looking in the mirror all I see is an ugly body 

Past the “I’m not hungry” and “I already ate” is 

‘Tell me I don't have to eat so then I don't have to fake it’ 

I don't want to lie but I really hate myself 

Show me how to fix myself, tell me how to be beautiful.


	17. Family Is Always Fun

I’m very unpretty and not everything is fine 

I’ve always dealt with things on my own 

But now things aren’t working 

Can someone help me now

I’m very non-existent even with the loudest voice 

I can’t be quiet it’s much too hard 

I don't want to be forgotten 

Will you hear me now?

I just want to feel pretty and I want to be heard 

But whenever I discuss my issues

it feels like discussing a murder 

Like dirt wearing down on my skin 

Please don't let me burden you. 

I want to help but hate being helped. 

I dislike talking about my own issues 

Because in this world it's always a competition 

About who has it worse and it's definitely not me 

I just want my sister to be better 

And for the other to go to school 

I want my mother to feel supported 

And my father to be proud 

I always feel like my brother doesn't love me 

Actually maybe none of my siblings does 

No one really wants to introduce me 

to their friends after all 

I call myself a mistake, the virus 

The infection that tore my family apart 

I wish that I could be a better daughter 

That I was a good sister 

Don't stop me from helping myself 

It's the only way I know how 

But help me to grow in the ways 

I can’t seem to figure out


	18. Faults

Why am I so prone to distraction 

To easily falling back on my words 

As if they were knives and I'm skewering myself 

'I will stop doing that today' oops I did it again

Famous last words aren’t they. 

Well I always did love that song as a kid 

I always seem to change my mind, 

‘Why did you start doing…’ 

Yesterday I said this but today I said that 

And twenty minutes from now I am thinking 

Of saying something to someone else 

It's funny how little I lie nowadays 

It doesn't matter because of the people around me so often 

Find my truths to be false so I don't even need to lie 

The irony isn’t lost on me as a recovering pathological liar 

I seem to put the blame on everyone else but myself 

It's always easier that way, 

At least that's what I used to tell myself 

Now everything is my fault and I am not wrong there 

My faults seem to push everyone away 

And I don't know how to fix myself 

Do I even want to get fixed? 

Being fixed implies that I am then perfect 

And that is something I can never be 

I have made to many mistakes to be 'made' perfect 

And I am content with my faults even if they send me to hell 

Because I deserve to make up for what I have done 

What I didn't do 

I deserve my mistakes because I am selfish 

And in the end, hell will always be my deserving place 

Regardless of the burial of my faults 

I have done too much to go back to white.


	19. What Am I?

I’m a series of disconnected points 

I jump from a joyful foray to inherent numbness 

Things in my mind aren’t what they seem 

Flowers are pretty even when they’re dying 

Can you tell me how to coherently breathe? 

I can do it in pieces but not continuously 

The way I jump from the smile taking over my face 

To the lies, I use to hide the pain 

Can you tell me what I am? 

Stereotypes seem wasted on me 

I am not smart but occasionally considered it 

I like fashion but not absorbed in complete vanity 

I wonder what’s wrong with me?

Am I the nerd for my enjoyments 

The vain for the way I hide my face 

Am I broken for the scars I made?

I am discombobulated in many places 

I can connect the pieces but not the person 

I see what is hidden but not what is frank 

I can’t always see where I am in the stereotype anymore


	20. Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger Warning) Depression

You stand in a room surrounded 

“Are you okay”… I’m not

Feeling like I should be leaving 

“Won’t you stay” …”Okay” 

You can see the way they see you 

They don’t believe the words that 

Cling to you… 

“Are you okay?” …”I’m fine” 

Words are dripping from my tongue 

And my head is screaming so loud 

How can I afford to tell you ‘I’m not okay’ 

When everyone around me hurts more then I do

Last year my friend tried to kill yourself 

The year before that I read another friend's suicide letter 

How can I say I’m not okay and show my scars 

When everything feels like a competition 

This year my sister is still in recovery 

And my scars are starting to heal 

But how can I say “I still hate myself” 

When everyone around me is now “okay” 

The Words aren’t dripping from my tongue 

But my head is still screaming so loud 

How can I afford to tell you ‘I’m not okay’ 

When everyone around me needs me more then I do 

“I’m not okay… no, I’m not okay” 

How can I tell you that I’m angry 

Should I scream what I never say 

Killing myself would be too easy 

Especially when it's hardest for those left behind 

“I’m not okay” when I should be 

I feel lonely when I’m in the crowd 

Sometimes I just need the dignity 

To say the words I dare not say aloud 

“I’m not okay… But I will be” 

I’ve made some progress 

My music has led me here 

Maybe one day I will be okay


End file.
